Almost every Muslim woman who has worn a hijab or niqab at some point in their lives has experienced veil shaming. Before I get into this topic, it is perhaps best that I describe what veil shaming is. Veil shaming is when another Muslim, sometimes non-Muslims as well, shames a woman for: 1.) Wearing the veil in a certain way, 2.) Not wearing a veil, 3.) Taking the veil on and off, 4.) Not wearing the “correct” outfit with the veil. Veil shaming is essentially shaming a woman for wearing/not wearing the veil in a way the shamer likes. This type of shaming is meant to “perfect” the veil the woman is wearing. Those who shame state they aren’t shaming women but “helping”, hence they can continue to berate random women’s dress codes.
My experience:
One time I visited this mosque about an hour away from where I lived. My husband and I were just passing by and wanted to pray, and it is kind of fun to visit new mosques. Anyways, at this point in time, I was a relatively new Muslim. Meaning I didn’t really have modest clothes that matched hijabs, so I wasn’t feeling the most confident. I also wasn’t feeling super confident praying yet. That being said at this mosque I was wearing a skirt and long sleeves. When I finished praying this old woman came up to me and berated me for being able to see my wrist while I prayed. She told me with one of those fake smiles, only Karen’s wear to berate people.
Another time, at the same mosque, I was wearing jeans and quickly put on a skirt. I made sure that day to wear my cardigan that covered my hands. This way if I saw the old lady again, I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I even put on the skirt just so I would be left alone, not because I believed I needed to wear a skirt to pray. I sat down waiting for the prayer to start. In came the old woman and her gaggle of ladies, all wearing black and looking angry at the world. After the prayer I sat there trying to think how I could get out of the prayer room in my jeans without being noticed, I had to take the skirt off at some point. Well, luckily a five-year-old girl was their target. I watched as they circled this mother and daughter like demons out of hell. The old lady pointed her gnarly finger at the small child asking her “does she think she’s cute? Does she like sinning? How can she wear a hijab with a pink dress with no sleeves?” I silently walked to the back and quickly took that skirt off and ran.
I can’t get this old woman out of my head. I know what she was doing. What this woman was feeling was a power play, by bullying strangers into dressing a certain way she was gaining some power thrill. The old woman was a bully. Yet sadly this type of stuff happens all the time. The poor child was not really praying but trying to follow her mother along. She was in the stages of learning, and this old woman felt that surrounding a child and berating her was the best way. In reality, this child and mother probably won’t come back to this mosque or ever feel comfortable at other mosques. This little girl may have been deterred from wanting to pray ever again or from wanting to wear a hijab because of this old crone.
When I was shamed for being a whore that showed my wrist, I was lucky I knew that I could show my wrist while praying. It also isn’t my fault that my long sleeves slightly lifted when I prostrated and showed my wrist. The old woman should have been focused on her own prayer. Islam teaches not to publicly embarrass people, it is best to talk to them privately. What this woman was doing was publicly shaming a small child and not focusing on her own deen first when it came to me. If she was actually paying attention to her prayer, she would not have noticed the half-inch lift of a sleeve. She was more focused on women’s dress codes than Allah.
On and off again:
When we first put on the hijab or niqab, many of us take it off and on. We do so for many reasons. When I first started to wear the hijab, I didn’t wear it full time. I was scared to wear it to the Walmart but not scared to wear it on campus. I started off slow because I was afraid of what people would think, what people would say, and Islamophobic attacks. It was really a nerve-racking experience. Today I still don’t wear the hijab when I visit my grandparents, because my grandparents do not like it. Rather than get into a philosophical argument I just show my hair, since I really don’t ever leave their home while I visit. Yet for other family members, it took me a few years to be like “you know what. This is me. They need to get used to it.” I wear my hijab proudly now when I am out in public with my father, brother, and childhood friends, but it took a while to get there.
Even today, once in a while I will go to the store without a hijab or go on a walk without it. Why do I do this? Because I am being lazy and don’t want to tie my hair up to put a scarf on. With my hair type, I have to wear a bonnet, otherwise, the scarf will just slide off. I also have waist-length hair, meaning I can’t just throw a scarf on. I am lucky no one has shamed me for putting my hijab on and off. Yet I still feel guilty when I do! I don’t take my scarf off as much as I used to, and I really think it takes a while to get used to wearing a veil.
Some women aren’t as lucky as me and are publicly shamed for navigating their veils. Women are told once they put it on, they can never take it off again. They are stuck with their choices. This type of rhetoric prevents women from experimenting with the veil at all. They don’t even want to try the hijab (or niqab) on because if they do, they are just going to be shamed.
The veil is something women will struggle with. I am not going to sugarcoat it. A woman who wears a veil for the first time is going to have to experiment with it. Figure out which fabrics she likes and what style is the most comfortable. She may have to buy new clothes slowly, that match her new style. It takes a while to become…well…you in the veil. It takes time to figure out what makes you comfortable.
Telling women it is all or nothing prevents women from wanting to wear the hijab or niqab. It also gives women who did wear the veil at some point PTSD feelings because they have a negative connotation attached to the veil because some jackwagon felt it was necessary to shame her choices. Yes, some women can immediately put on the veil without a need to slowly test the water. But many of us, like myself, have to test the water to feel comfortable wearing it. Shaming us for slowly getting used to doesn’t help us, it makes us want to throw it away and not even bother.
If you like this opinion piece, check out my book Demystifying the Niqab.